WHAT IS YOUR LOVE STYLE?

UNDERSTANDING YOUR PAST WILL HELP CREATE A CONTEXT FOR THE PRESENT.

Understanding your love style can provide valuable insights into your relationship patterns and help you develop healthier, more fulfilling connections with others.

When you learn your Love Style you understand how your childhood experiences inform what you expect from relationships, how you receive and express love, and how you respond to others in stressful interactions.

Knowing your Love Style gives you a starting point from which you can grow to become a Secure Connector.

Take A Look At The Six Love Styles

1. THE AVOIDER

“I like people but I’m not very comfortable when they get emotional or needy around me. I like to keep it simple—it’s so much easier when people just take care of themselves like I do.”

Avoiders come from homes that are often low in affection, but place high value on independence and self-reliance. Avoiders grow up learning to take care of themselves. To deal with the anxiety of having so little comfort and nurturing from their parents, they have learned to restrict their feelings and suppress their needs. As adults, Avoiders can seem emotionally distant or unengaged.

Are You an Avoider?

If these statements resonate with you, you might be an Avoider.

• I am usually “fine,” and when something bad happens I try to get over it quickly.

• In my family growing up, we rarely discussed personal concerns.

• I’m usually happiest when others are happy and don’t want a lot from me.

• I don’t really think about my own feelings and needs very often.

• I don’t really miss my spouse or family if I’m away from them for a while.

• I need my space.

2. THE PLEASER

“I enjoy caring for others and work hard at making those I love happy. I’m not great at saying “No” or keeping boundaries, but anything is better than having people upset with me.”

Pleasers usually grow up in homes with an overly protective or angry, critical parent. Pleaser children do everything they can to “be good” and avoid troubling their reactive or anxious parent. These kids don’t get comfort. Rather, they spend their energy comforting, caretaking, and appeasing parents and siblings. As adults, Pleasers tend to continually monitor the moods of others around them and try to keep everyone happy. Eventually, they can become resentful but rarely know how to express their own difficult emotions or ask for what they want.

ARE YOU A PLEASER?

If these statements resonate with you, you might be a Pleaser.

• For most (or all) of my childhood I could have been described as “the good kid".

• I feel very upset if someone is upset or annoyed with me so I am good at “keeping peace.”

• I seek connection and avoid rejection by anticipating and meeting others’ needs.

• Conflict makes me uneasy and I prefer to deal with disagreement by giving in or making up for it and quickly and moving on.

• I have difficulty confronting or saying no and sometimes it makes me less than truthful.

3. THE VACILLATOR

“I long for close connection in relationships but people always let me down. I spend a lot of time in my head trying to process all the disappointments and I wonder why relationships are so hard.”

Growing up with an unpredictable parent, Vacillators’ needs aren’t top priority. Without consistent parental affection and attention, they develop feelings of abandonment. By the time the parent feels like giving again, their child is tired of waiting and too angry to receive. As adults, Vacillators are on a quest to find the consistent love they never received as children. They idealize relationships, hoping to avoid any feelings of rejection or abandonment. Life isn’t ideal and as a result they often feel disappointed, angry and let down.

ARE YOU A VACILLATOR?

If these statements resonate with you, you might be a Vacillator.

• I feel like no one has really understood what I need.

• I experience internal conflict and a high level of emotional stress in relationships.

• At times, I find myself picking a fight and I’m not sure why.

• I’ve always been especially sensitive and perceptive and can tell when others are pulling away from me.

• Others have said they feel like they’re walking on eggshells around me.

4. THE CONTROLLER

“I don’t like being outside of my comfort zone, so I always make sure I’m the one in charge. That way I know for sure that I won’t be taken advantage of.”

Controllers need control to keep the vulnerable, painful feelings they experienced during childhood from surfacing in their adult lives. Having control means having protection from the overwhelming feelings of fear, humiliation and helplessness they had to endure as kids. Anger is the one emotion that is not vulnerable, so intimidation and anger are often used to stay in charge. Control may be highly rigid or more sporadic and unpredictable, but Controllers rarely realize the real reason they need to be in charge. They rarely have compassion for themselves as to the suffering they endured as children and therefore minimize the impact of their childhood trauma and its effects on their adult relationships.

ARE YOU A CONTROLLER?

If these statements resonate with you, you might be a Controller.

• No one protected me from harm when I was growing up, so I had to get tough and take care of myself.

• Life has taught me to either “be in control” or “be controlled.”

• People would probably describe me as intimidating.

• Anger is really the only emotion I feel.

• Things need things to be done a certain way or I get angry.

I have few feelings about my childhood except I’m glad it’s over because I wouldn’t go back.

5. THE VICTIM

“I keep my needs quiet, and honestly, I’m not even sure what my needs are. It’s safer when I just go with the flow—there’s less opportunity for a blow-up.”

In chaotic homes, compliant kids survive by trying to stay under the radar. They hide, appease and learn to tolerate the intolerable. At times they may disconnect (not be fully present) in order to lessen the pain caused by their neglectful, angry, chaotic parent(s). Some kids build whole imaginary worlds in their heads where they can escape the pain of abuse. As adults, Victims lack a sense of self-worth and are often anxious, depressed and just going through the motions. They may replicate their childhood home environment by marrying a Controller and using the same coping methods they learned as kids (compliance and retreat) to get along.

ARE YOU A VICTIM?

If these statements resonate with you, you might be a Victim.

•Growing up, I experienced a great deal of intense anger and stress from a parent or parents.

• I’m used to chaos and calm makes me anxious because something bad is always just around the corner.

• If I spoke up more and had stronger opinions, my spouse (or other significant relationships) would be even angrier.

• I feel like I’m just “going through the motions” and I’m tired and out of energy.

• I often believe everything is my fault and think if I tried harder things would be better.

6. THE SECURE CONNECTOR

“I am comfortable with myself and with others, able to handle conflict, negative emotions, and both giving and receiving. When I need help I’m not afraid to ask for it.”

Secure Connectors are comfortable with reciprocity and balanced giving and receiving in relationships. They can describe strengths and weaknesses in themselves and others without idealizing or devaluing them. Good at self-reflection, Secure Connectors clearly and easily communicate their feelings and needs. Resolving conflict was modelled for them growing up, so they know they’re not perfect and can apologize when wrong. Setting boundaries and saying “no” is also no problem for a Secure Connector. They are comfortable with new situations, can take risks, and delay gratification. When upset, Secure Connectors seek help and comfort from a person rather than a thing.

ARE YOU A SECURE CONNECTOR?

If these statements resonate with you, you might be a Secure Connector.

• I have a wide range of emotions and express them appropriately.

• It is easy for me to ask for help and receive help from others when I have needs.

• I can say “no” to others even when I know it will upset them.

• I’m adventuresome and I know how to play and have fun.

• I know I’m not perfect, and I give my loved ones room to disagree.

What is your love style?

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