On Forgiving Yourself
The mental health implications...
Whether you choose to forgive someone or not might have an impact on your mental health. However, many people find it difficult to forgive the one person they can never get rid of—themselves. The ease with which you forgive yourself, in particular, can have a positive or negative impact on your wellbeing.
An older 2001 study found that not forgiving yourself or others may put you at higher risk for depression. Holding on to negative emotions about yourself lowers your overall self-esteem and opens the door to anxiety and depression.
Why do I struggle with self-forgiveness, you may wonder? It can be challenging to forgive yourself since it entails acknowledging errors and confronting unsettling emotions like guilt and remorse.
Self-forgiveness allows you to go forward without the past restricting you. Everyone might use some assistance along the way.
4 Tips for practising self-forgiveness
Self-forgiveness can help you avoid judging yourself and stoking depressive and anxious thoughts. But many individuals query, "How do I forgive my former self?"
Take responsibility
Even though it can be challenging, admitting when you've erred can help you to accept responsibility without defending or justifying your actions.
Feel and express remorse
Once the unpleasant emotions start to flow, many people become stuck. However, you may grow and learn from your mistakes by using these feelings.
As you use your negative emotions as a source of change motivation, try to examine your experiences without passing judgment.
Make amends
Apologize if you can, and work to mend your connections. Although it's not always practical, doing so could lessen bad feelings and aid in relationship restoration.
If you can't normalize relations with the people you care about, try to concentrate on forgiving yourself.
Be patient, and give yourself a chance to learn and change
You have an opportunity to grow and change when you forgive yourself for your previous transgressions. Give yourself time and try to be patient. Any form of forgiveness entails a process.
Self-forgiveness isn’t always easy. If ruminating over past mistakes affects your mental health, a mental health professional can help.
Try to think of self-forgiveness as taking care of your mental health.
Think about making room for yourself so that you can observe and accept your feelings without passing judgment. And as you go through the process of forgiving yourself, strive to show yourself compassion.
6 Tips to forgive yourself
Accepting guilt as an emotion
Humans experience emotions, and guilt is one of those.
According to Albert Nguyen, a clinical social worker from Palo Alto, California, guilt is just as important as any other emotion humans feel.
“Every emotion has a purpose that informs us about how we’re doing. You’re human. Let yourself feel it,” he says.
Guilt can actually help you be empathetic, as you understand that your actions can impact someone else.
ResearchTrusted Source from 2018 also shows that accepting — not judging — a negative emotion, like guilt, is tied to greater psychological well-being.
If you’re feeling guilty, try to let it flow without dwelling on it. Feeling it can help you process it and move on from it. Dwelling might put you on an endless loop that could affect your emotional health.
2. Self-compassion techniques
By definition, self-compassion refers to the process of treating yourself with the same care as you would someone you love. This includes acts of self-forgiveness.
Taylor Kinman, a licensed professional counselor from Fort Mitchell, Kentucky, says she believes self-compassion is one of the most important things people can do for their mental health.
“When you’re beating yourself up or struggling to forgive yourself for something, ask yourself, ‘If my best friend were in this situation, what would I say to them?’” she suggests. “A lot of times we are much harder on ourselves than we would be on our loved ones.”
You can cultivate self-compassion by:
re-assessing and changing negative thinking and self-talk
journaling about your emotions, past mistakes, and challenging situations
nurturing yourself through self-care
giving yourself words of encouragement and love whenever you’re feeling a negative emotion
reminding yourself you’re doing the best you can
3. Letting the wound heal
When you get a scratch, your body immediately starts the healing process. Eventually, that scratch develops a scab to help the tissue underneath mend. Ripping off the scab can set back the healing process.
When you can’t forgive yourself, it’s like keeping an emotional wound open.
To help with this, Nguyen suggests looking at behaviours that induce intense feelings of guilt. It’s important to do this without judgment.
Nguyen recommends looking at these behaviours as something separate from your identity. Try to look at these actions without immediately thinking about what they say about you.
“Judging yourself from what you did doesn’t help you fix the problem,” he adds.
In other words, try focusing on the behaviours and possible ways to behave differently, instead of thinking of your character and identity.
For example, rethinking a quarrel with a friend as, “I raised my voice and interrupted them continuously,” instead of, “I’m intolerant and a bad friend.”
4. Considering the opposite point of view
When you’re overwhelmed with guilt, it’s natural to assume the other party involved is also fixated on what happened in the same way. That may be the case, but it’s not always true.
Reminding yourself that the other person may not be affected like you thought they were can help alleviate guilt, says Pernell.
5. Asking for forgiveness
Perhaps one of the most challenging things in life is to ask for forgiveness from someone you’ve hurt. It often involves confronting the situation, which can lead to a cascade of unpleasant emotions.
Nguyen says, “Another common thing with guilt is that it leads to avoidance — we’d rather punish ourselves and hide than come clean and resolve the issue directly.”
What happens when you avoid facing the situation? “It grows and festers inside when it doesn’t need to,” explains Nguyen. “If you can, be willing to apologize sincerely and attempt to make appropriate amends to whoever was affected.”
Attempting to repair the situation, regardless of the outcome, can help you forgive yourself.
6. Getting an immediate boost
Feeling overwhelmed by guilt at the moment? Taking a shower or bath may help.
Research from 2011 suggests the act of cleaning yourself may temporarily diminish feelings of guilt or doubt.
Spending this time on yourself may also help you think of the situation in different ways and gain perspective on how to approach the next steps.
Forgiving yourself sometimes is about not fueling the guilt.
Steps to accept responsibility and move on
Nguyen says it’s important to accept there are often consequences to your actions. This can make self-forgiveness more attainable.
In order to accept responsibility and move on, he suggests:
owning your role in what happened by saying it out loud, telling someone, or writing about it
considering who was involved and asking for forgiveness
accepting there may be consequences and being willing to assume those
learning from past mistakes by planning how you’ll handle a similar situation in the future
Living with guilt can be painful. Practising self-forgiveness can protect your mental health.
Self-compassion, time, and owning responsibility for your role in a situation can all be ways to help you forgive yourself.
If you feel as though guilt is overwhelming, negatively impacting your life, or causing you extreme distress, speaking with a professional may help.
This piece was Medically reviewed by Matthew Boland, PhD — Written by Stacey L. Nash — Updated on July 5, 2022; originally published in Psychology Today.