“How We Love,” by Milan and Kay Yerkovich
A Book Review
I have read quite a few books on marriage and I can tell you that this one takes a different approach altogether. If you are about to get married, I recommend this book. Why? because you will likely not hear about this in premarital counselling. If you’re married, this might just be the answer to your relationship problems, at the very least.
In their book How We Love, Milan and Kay Yerkovich list the five "love styles" that the majority of individuals adopt. The study of attachment theory serves as the foundation for love styles
The Yerkovichs assert that there are five harmful love styles.
The avoider doesn't put much weight on emotions or receive consolation. He values independence, and space, and is very task-focused. The avoider has a hard time opening up and communicating those emotions because they are accustomed to processing emotions inside. at all costs avoids conflict and internalizes everything. When spouse complains that they aren't conversing, they could become irate.
The people pleaser shies away from criticism and rejection. He/she resolves conflicts swiftly and fears emotional separation from their spouse. They work hard to bring happiness to everyone around them yet becomes resentful when they fail. They work more when there is conflict. Then they become anxious.
The vacillator is excessively delicate. He frequently feels torn, wavering between being furious or disappointed with others. They love deeply, long for closeness, and idealize it, but when high expectations aren't satisfied, it's easy to feel abandoned, unwanted, and frustrated.
The controller uses anger and intimidation to control others and events in response to a problem. For them, conflict is commonplace. Since it is all they have ever known, it is the only way they feel normal. Being dominated is the only option they are aware of besides dominating others.
The victim plays a passive stance to protect themselves from suffering, yet they are really bitter and angry. They may use the creation of their own worlds, or internalising pain as a coping mechanism.
Every attachment style is formed beginning in childhood. It's possible to have a generally loving upbringing and still have an uneasy attachment style. All of us are wounded.
Along with outlining the various love types, they also cover what transpires when two distinct love styles get married. That is when things really started to get fascinating and accurate.
The writers give a section on the harm that these love styles cause in marriage when not properly recognized and addressed after thoroughly examining each love style. As they witness the inner suffering that both spouses unintentionally unleash upon one another, readers will find the varied combinations to be both interesting and heartbreaking.
The final section offers remedies through carefully designed patterns for emotional development and well-being. People must first become aware of their own and their partner's love styles, learn to communicate safely and tenderly, and then use active listening to search for solutions to issues.
The worksheet included in the book is excellent. However, you must start with the book before using the workbook. You can learn about your own and your spouse's love styles by using the workbook. Then, it aids in assisting you in understanding how the relational issues you deal with as a couple operate and how to resolve them on a deeper, more personal level.
I highly recommend this book to couples and intending couples. Do not proceed into marriage without understanding the basics in their book.
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